The year has not gotten off on the foot I was hoping to, but I feel I’m starting to get back into the swing of things. Work came out of left field with a big, time consuming project that consumed my time, attention and energy in March and April. Throughout the project my mind nagged at me about countless tasks and responsibilities, “I need to do this then I should do that.” This got me thinking about the easy trap it is to fall into as tasks and chores become burdens, it’s difficult to find what I actually want to do.
Needs
When it comes to needs, we’ve established whole hierarchies for them, so the I’ll be putting the obvious stuff aside. Of course we need to eat, breathe, and sleep. What I’m thinking more about are the tasks that will have some degree of consequence if not done, think laundry and taxes.
A running idea of the film Everything Everywhere All at Once is the challenge of those day to day needs and their impact of mundanity on our relationships. In the movie, the mundane is symbolized by the circle of a washing machine’s door. While stuck in my work bubble, I constantly had this nagging feeling that I needed to get my taxes done sooner than later. While I eventually got them done, I didn’t realize that my forms were rejected the day before tax day. Luckily, I was able to get everything sorted out on time.
I certainly don’t plan to gain a deeper understanding of the consequences of missing filing taxes, but I can imagine it’s not great, even if I’m getting a refund.
There are things that pretend to be needs that tend to take up more mental space than they have to. I hear constantly about how I need to own a car, even though I get by with my bike and public transit. I am definitely blessed with amazing family and friends who are willing to drive me to various places like the gym or events, and I won’t deny that impact to my standard of living without a car. I still do primarily get by without that comfort though. I would likely just find a less convenient route or even get a taxi if absolutely needed.
False needs can take many forms: guilty tasks, FOMO (fear of missing out), and unquestioned routines can all build up into pressure that a trivial or unnecessary task, event, etc. must be done.
Shoulds
As work ramped up, other responsibilities would creep their way into my mind in the moments in between. “I should write my next post, I should finish that show I started,” ad infinitum. All these thoughts would do is make me feel further overwhelm, and I would put off doing anything.
This list gets ever longer and eventually paralyzing. Instead of breaking down the list, it becomes impossible to achieve, so why bother to do any of it?
This category of the mental to-do list is the easiest to let spiral out of control, as there are in fact a lot of things we should do. From actual responsibilities to self-care to pointless pursuits. It’s easy to think I should do X, often that’s where the buck stops. Having the thought, I should do that thing gives some level of self-satisfaction to having had the thought to do it in the first place.
I started taking notice to every time I would say “I should do X,” pull the idea aside and reframe the idea. The thought itself is neutral and more often than not optional. I “could” do these things if I really wanted.
Wants
The main takeaway I’ve been trying to apply is framing the many tasks ahead of me as things I want to do. I could ask questions like, do I truly “need” to do this, or are the consequences minimal (or even non-existent) that I can ignore or at least put off the task. Why “should” I do this thing? Or where is the pressure coming from to do it? All that really matters in most cases is do I want to do this?
Of course this doesn’t mean I’m only doing the easiest thing in life, but I don’t think most people want that, even if given the opportunity. When truly examining what we want, there is probably far more difficulty on that path than most people realize. It’s satisfying to overcome a challenge or even to attempt it.
Easy things have their limits, at some point it would grow boring. Even something as simple as a night out with friends, I found myself thinking do I want to keep staying out or do I want to go home? I was trying to find myself being honest with the idea that I feel like I “should” stay out since others were. Of course, the hour eventually came that I looked at myself in the mirror and thought, “yeah I want to go home now.”
Wants and desires can easily become a problem as well. As I found myself in the throws of working late hours, sitting at my computer inside at home, all I wanted to do was wind down afterwards with a mind numbing YouTube video. 30-40 minutes later, I would start doing something else. More often than not, that became the day.
It was only recently, that I started trying to wind up after work. Instead of lounging around, going out for a walk right after I sign out has brought me more energy and better moods. Granted, my work involves sitting at a computer all day, so getting myself moving is what I need after all that time being sedentary.
Work and a handful of other responsibilities are needed to maintain the kind of life I want to live, but it’s through that desire that those things become less of a burden.
Trying Out Before Buying In 