Over the last few years of making yearly themes, I’ve generally had a few ideas come to mind and need to choose a winner. This year, only one came to mind before the new year even arrived. I spent more time than expected trying to dig up other contenders, but EXPRESS is the one option for the theme for 2026.
Express Thoughts and Feelings
As last year came to a close, I found myself in a bad place mentally. Bouncing back a few days later, I started putting together my thoughts for the year end post and reviewed the email thread I sent to my brother throughout the year. Time after time I was reliving moments where my mental health was a wreck. I knew it was time to start looking for proper professional help.
Last month, I touched on my inability to clearly ask for help and believe this is tied to why I’ve put off therapy for so long. I’ve long been an independent person who often enjoys or is at least indifferent to some degree of struggle.
I hope to highlight this issue using two instances of having to take a long walk home. One day while riding my bike to the gym, my tire blew a flat. This was one of multiple flat tires I’d gotten in a short period of time. Frustrated and experiencing one of those mental health breakdowns on the side of the road. I then texted my other climbing friends if any of them were going to the gym that day and if so, could I get a ride home? No one was, but one friend offered a ride. From there I ghosted the group and just walked all the way home.
Contrast this half-assed request to just taking a similar long walk home late one evening. After a roller derby event in the city, I was taking a bus that normally goes right by my apartment when it came to a stop around 5 miles from home. Turns out that was the last bus that day, so it was out of service. It was around 11 PM and pretty cold, as it was early December. I considered ordering a rideshare or calling a friend, but I was feeling alright and decided the walk would be fine. What I didn’t do was reach out, confirm it wouldn’t be an inconvenience and maybe ask for a ride if it really wasn’t a big deal.
All this to say, I want to shed that old habit of not clearly asking for help when I need it.
Express Ideas
Another big win last year was getting back into the habit of publishing posts regularly. Prior to that, I hadn’t fully stopped writing but committing to publishing really forced me to be far more consistent. While not every month last year was a glowing success, I found trying to get something out there at about that rate was a good practice to get moving. I’ve occasionally thought about returning to the trial format this blog was started on, but really haven’t found any “experiments” I’ve wanted to try out.
There were a couple instances I felt what I was writing junk to meet the deadline, and so I am winding my target down to 10 total posts this year. This gives me some breathing room to develop ideas I’m excited to share, rather than put out some mediocre ideas just to hit an arbitrary count.
On the writing front, I also want to develop better skills as a media critic. From movies to games to books, I’ve written reviews on various platforms or had discussions with friends, but I’ve frequently felt times that I lacked either the vocabulary or reference to really explain my thoughts on a given piece. For years, I’ve watched reviewers, mostly for movies and games, but haven’t really expanded my own skill in that area.
I’m targeting around once per quarter to write and post a thorough review of a piece of media I felt impacted me – be it on a technical and mechanical level or it’s narrative and story. After writing my own thoughts, I then plan to look to other critics, taking in their perspectives and learning from what elements they highlight and language they use in their reviews. I hope this develops my skill as both a critic and writer in general.
Keeping Momentum
While 2025 is over, there are a number of things I want to continue into this year – keep the swing going if you will. For one, my brother and I are continuing the regular email thread. This was a great practice to record not only the events of the year, but also thoughts and feelings at the time.
Otherwise, I’m also looking to plan at least one more train trip. Riding the Empire Builder line up to Seattle was such a great time. I’m hoping to explore other train lines and cities, comparing the experience to last year’s trip.
The new year offers a cultural time for change, and I’m excited to continue with the theme concept as we make our way into 2026.
It’s hard to believe the end of the year is here. I have a simultaneous feeling of the year having gone by so fast but also some moments feel so long ago. The year of Swing was focused on two main elements, momentum and taking chances. I’d say in both realms, the outcomes are a bit of a mixed bag.
Momentum
The one piece of this year that I am extremely grateful for is the email thread sent to my brother. I was able to get something out every month recapping what happened and any plans I had for what was coming next month. The latter piece was so-so, often plans went out the window, but having a log of various events, big and small, allowed me to remember and relive so many great moments in the year. I found this much easier to do than keep a personal journal for a similar purpose, as sending it to someone else kept me doing so, even if I was a little late a few times.
Using those emails to keep track of what I was working towards, health and fitness was a regular practice for trying to keep the pendulum swinging in a positive direction. There were certainly times I was busy with travel or was recovering from injury that I paused some of my fitness habits, but overall things were pretty good. I kept a mix of lifting, climbing and running throughout the year. I’m on a little bit of a hiatus right now, as the New Year resolution crowd will soon hit the gyms and getting a workout in crowded gyms is never an enjoyable time for me.
Likewise, aiming for a monthly post was a good way to keep myself writing. Even if I needed to postpone a couple of times in order to write something with substance, with this post I still put out “one post per month” – as in 12 for the year. This is definitely something I want to carry into the next year, with hopefully more of those substantive posts on the docket. Putting together a small lists of questions to seek out answers was a great way to prompt research and learning. Going about a few posts that way should be a fruitful method for finding topics to explore. I still need to put together some thoughts on local government after failing to attend meetings earlier in the year.
There were a few other projects and areas of interest that got some brief attention, but never any real progress. I started tinkering with game development again, but wish I made the time to participate in at least one game jam. Jams are great opportunities to hone all skills in the development process. I started working on a few smaller game ideas with both being shelved as other areas in life got busier.
An area I found myself needing to slow down momentum was playing Old School Runescape. Looking back on my monthly emails, the game started taking up more and more of my updates. I had several accomplishments in the game this year including my first max level skill, a fire cape and completing all of the currently released quests. I definitely had a lot of fun playing, but needed to put the game in its place around September. It was around then that I realized how much of the game was redirecting my time and attention. I wrote about this cycle and how I came out of it earlier this year. I’m still playing, but much less than I was, and more importantly it’s taking far less mental real estate in my day to day life.
Swing the Bat
The other side of the “swing” coin came from an episode of the anime FLCL. In “Full Swing” the main character is afraid to take a swing in baseball, fearing he will not live up to his now professional player brother. Doing nothing is better than failing in his mind. After the events of the episode, he finds himself in a life or death moment and has to “swing the bat.”
I can thankfully say I had no moments of life or death, but after some tough times at work, I found a way to swing back. To summarize months of frustration, I felt my team was understaffed and overworked. At a certain point, I started pushing back on my boss. To my surprise, he was receptive of the feedback, and at least in my eyes had made major strides to remedy these issues.
After a different series of frustrating moments, I began applying to new jobs. This, perhaps paradoxically, made working my current job easier. Not feeling trapped or backed into a corner at the company or role made the work easier to do. I don’t foresee actually leaving any time soon, but knowing there is the possibility of getting out makes the days easier to get through.
One opportunity I took advantage of was getting more involved in Chicago’s roller derby team the Windy City Rollers. My friend got me hooked on derby a few years ago and late last year I started volunteering to help out with some minor areas like the merch booth. This year I started learning the ropes to help officiate as a non-skating official, or NSO. Getting involved more has shown me so much of the sport and has been a great way to meet so many new people. After months of practicing at scrimmages, I finally officiated my first set of games. In a very stressful list of Jam Timing, Score Keeping and finally Penalty Box Management, it was a long night of derby with very different jobs. It was an absolute honor to have been awarded Most Valuable NSO! Now, I finally need a derby name so I can stop going by “Ryan.”
Another win under my belt was finally taking a trip I’ve dreamed about for years now, and that was to take the train from Chicago to Seattle to visit my friends who live out there. After years, of saying I should do it, mentioning it one final time was the push where I decided this was finally the year. Once I had a good date to visit, I booked the tickets that day. I wrote a bit more on this last month, and a bit on derby as well, but I can’t recommend opting for traveling by train enough. It’s certainly longer than a flight, but so much less of a hassle. Being on the train, is like a trip in of itself. Especially once the Midwest is behind you and gorgeous mountain views surround the train. The one downside I would say was very unreliable, or nonexistent internet, as it would be nice to get some work done while traveling. It’s perhaps a blessing in disguise as there was no longer an option to work allowing me to fully take in the experience.
Travel as a whole was great in 2025. I had several amazing camping trips, including a first time visit to Red River Gorge for the 4th of July. The spot we camp had a fireworks show and massive bonfire which was a good time once we found that the fire was a planned ordeal. Seeing a massive fire quickly erupt in a mostly open field shortly after fireworks had me fearing the bystander effect before my very eyes. My friends and I were able to sprinkle in several smaller outdoor trips, like a few short weekend camping and a even day trip to go kayaking. It’s always a nice time to just get time outdoors for even just a little while.
Finally, though certainly not last chronologically, I went to New York City for the first time. I may have accidentally invited myself on this trip while with the friends planning it and am so glad those friends took me along. We had incredible food, spent some great time wandering the city and two of my best friends got engaged there – I was somehow entrusted to take the photos of the moment.
On that subject, I also got ordained to be the minister for those friends. They moved quick on the legal side of their marriage in order to take advantage of those benefits as soon as possible. With just a small wedding, it was an honor to have been part of it.
Mood Swings
I wish I could say all aspects of my life were going well with maybe a stumble here or there. This will be the hardest piece to write about, but not shying away from this discomfort is important. While it’s been several outbursts lately, I’ve had some serious mental health struggles throughout the entire year.
On multiple occasions I found myself in a deep pit of self loathing and self destruction. In a recent outburst, I broke a handful of things throughout my apartment. I feel stupid looking back on it of course, but in that moment feeling things break or flipping over a piece of furniture had a catharsis I don’t think I could experience otherwise.
I didn’t even remember one breakdown I had back in February until looking through my email thread. I’d been so focused on what I’d been struggling with lately that I’ve been blind to signs of issues throughout the entire year. Nothing to the extent of a full breakdown, but still enough (metaphorical) cuts and scrapes that I should have seen the damage that was building up.
Asking for help is something that I’ve struggled with in a range of things, not just mental health, but mundane things. I’m not sure if it’s from being raised with a self-reliant mindset, alongside extracurriculars like Boy Scouts or my time as a student athlete taught me that I needed to take care of myself. Of course organizations like the BSA also teach cooperation and community, but perhaps a part of me has thought that I only need to give those things and don’t need that help for myself. Or perhaps it’s some childhood trauma I haven’t been able to let go of in which I don’t want to be a burden on anyone. In all reality, this failure to ask for help likely stems from a mix of both.
All this to say, one of my 2026 theme’s elements will involve finally getting some professional help on this front, because whatever I’ve been trying on my own is certainly not working.
I don’t want to end this post on a downer, so I want to dive into something that got me through one of those low moments. In October, I found myself having a terrible breakdown wailing, my head in my hands. I don’t know if I ever cried that hard before. My mind went down this ever deeper and darker rabbit hole that led to me realizing how much I hated who I was in that moment, or maybe even more than just that moment. In that anger I believed things would be better if the world could be destroyed thought if I had the power to I would. It was a bitter and petty feeling I never want to relive.
It was through this feeling though, I remembered half of my FF9 tattoo, one of the game’s antagonists, Kuja. A character whose pettiness and despair leads to his attempt to destroy the world. That half of the tattoo is a cautionary tale, in the pits of despair, rage may be easy path out in the moment, but doesn’t offer a real solution. My tattoo contrasts this personification of rage with Vivi, a character who undergoes a similar arc, but a character who finds meaning in friends and self-actualization despite his existential crisis.
Even Kuja finds a moment of redemption towards the end of the game. In on of the final scenes of the game, a selfless act offers some penance for his misdeeds. Certainly not forgiveness for all his crimes, but even villains can sometimes choose to do something right.
I hope this time of year finds you well. The new year is a cultural time to seek change and recovery, but remember it’s just another day on the calendar. If at any time you find yourself needing change, January 1st is no different than March 19th which is no different than October 31st. The best time to make that change is now.
If a rainbow is not photographed, did it even happen?
Back in April, I wrote out a few questions. One of those was to understand the philosophical movement succeeding postmodernism, if there even is one. Over the last few weeks, I started digging into the answer to that question, and the desire to find that answer isn’t mine alone. A variety of writers and philosophers are working to define what comes next, or what is already here.
Pseudo-modernism
Starting with the oldest article on the subject I found, back in 2006, Alan Kirby wrote for Philosophy Now, “The Death of PostModernism.” In the article, Kirby explores the evolving culture movement away from what he describes as postmodernism’s “fetishizing” of the author or creator towards that of the recipient, user or consumer.
I agree with many of the points throughout the article. It’s clear that art and media have shifted into everchanging forms due to how consumers have become a part of them.
Where I disagree with Kirby is his belief that there is no interaction or exchange between the author and consumer. Maybe it was due to the state of media at the time, but today we can see this in the form of what is colloquially called “content.” Content isn’t just media, it’s creation for the intent of consumption and interaction of the creator and audience. Platforms like TikTok, YouTube, Instagram and more exist to host content, encourage engagement and leverage advertising within this engaged context.
Kirby also references what I consider the most interactive form of media, videogames. A movie can play without an audience to watch it, but a game needs interaction to progress its acts. Though I find his interpretation of these to be quite shallow. He discusses games as brief interactions and then they are obsolete. I understand some of his point, that specific interactions in pseudo-modern art are fleeting. The contents of an internet page can be altered. For a less technological example, a radio call in show can only truly occur once. That given call exists in a vacuum and cannot be recreated, even if the caller and host exchange the exact same words, their context is now repetition. Back to games, I think this misses the impact that the interactivity of games offers. I still think about and have conversations about the effect the Kingdom Hearts series has had on my worldview. I don’t think the games would have had the same level of impact as another media like a book or movie.
At lot has changed since 2006. There are nearly 20 years of technological and cultural changes between Kirby’s original article and now. Kirby often cites the emerging reality TV shows and an internet that is far from what it once was. His description how each internet user harkens back to a time before the internet became more or less a handful of websites almost all traffic go to. Describing each user taking their “own path” seems archaic now with the current internet landscape of social media and search engines all under the same handful of tech companies.
Algomodernism
The foundation of many of these thinkers is the evolution of the internet and especially now the emergence of generative AI and data algorithms. In what is the most recent post I read on the subject, at the beginning of this year Bradley Murray wrote a piece for his site Philosophies of Life on what he calls “algomodernism.”
The main idea I saw in Murray’s piece was the way postmodernism and algomodernism approach metanarratives and how common knowledge is viewed. A metanarrative is a grand unifying truth, story or reality. If postmodernism is a rejection of modernism’s metanarrative, algomodernism is a return to metanarrative. Murray defines algomoderism as “a paradigm in which we look to AI and related complex algorithms to generate narratives that define fundamental aspects of ourselves and the world.”
This is the ideology I most disagree with, at least at time of writing. Unless new evidence emerges regarding generative AI, I am very skeptical of this leading to a shared worldview or common truth. If anything, I see these tools as deeper entrenching people in echo chambers, just as algorithmically driven content has for the last couple decades.
Generative AI is known to make up facts and is designed to be highly agreeable, in order to maintain user engagement. This is a recipe for deeper fractioning of a common narrative.
Putting AI agents aside, Murray points to the pathways of the internet – to steal a term from Kirby – are now well trodden. How many of us Google a website as compared to going to the site directly or in some cases even remember the name. “Google” itself has become a verb to perform a search online. Beyond Google, how many websites beyond the major social media platforms are even used?
The niche corners of the internet are certainly still around, but more and more time is spent in the same places. However, even these sites are vastly different due to how much of their content is driven by individualized algorithms. Even among my closest friends, we can open the YouTube homepage to vastly different results. This is where my skepticism for this metanarrative is based. These technologies have only seemed to further atomize society, not unite us.
Postpostmodernism
The least creative of the naming schemes is certainly the least defined of the ideas I explored.
This video lecture by Julian de Medeiros is going to be my reference point for “postpostmodern.” I’m sure there are many ideas to what may be called postpostmodernism. While never explicitly defined in the video, my understanding is that this form of postpostmodern leverages contradictions to increase value, utility (in the economic sense) and happiness.
The first example used to explore the postpostmodern was the Banksy auction from a few years ago in which upon being sold the piece of art was shredded. This act of shredding was ultimately a piece of the overall form, perhaps linking back to Kirby’s ideas regarding the audience’s participation or exchange. What de Medeiros sees in this moment as postpostmodern is the disconnect of value from the piece of art itself and onto its destruction.
From here de Medeiros describes the postpostmodern as a “pseudo revolution.” Not a true alternative or rejection of postmodernism, but an extension of it. I find the example used to describe this pseudo revolution fascinating as it once again sees some semblance of Kirby’s ideas from 2006. Using the example of the BLM movement “social media blackout” in which black squares or screens were used to show solidarity, rejecting creation of content for major platforms, a form of content is still being made. This bridges into what I think is the most interesting point made in the lecture, the contentification of life. To quote de Medeiros directly, “unless it exists as content, it doesn’t exist.” A fitting phrase for our content raddled society.
Another factor of postpostmodernism is the ability to extract surplus (value, wealth, utility, entertainment, etc.) from seemingly contradictory factors. The example used in the lecture is a CEO who hires a dominatrix in the evenings. The executive is able to extract value from not just power and domination, but in a lack of power and submission.
The final piece I’ll touch on from this lecture is one I really connect with, the movement towards sincerity in art and media. For a long time, cynicism and irony have been the tone by which art was presented. Speaking for myself, I’ve grown tired of this attitude and find myself enjoying and gravitating towards works that are direct and wear its heart and emotion on its sleeve.
There was certainly a lot in this lecture, a lot of which I haven’t completely taken in, but I highly recommend giving it a watch. At roughly an hour, it’s a great primer on postmodernism and in what ways we are beginning to move beyond its tropes and ideas.
What do I think?
As I look at the world today, I think there are elements of all of the above for all of us, not as philosophers, but as everyday people to consider.
To start, the internet is a source of information, not truth. For every idea, there is surely an opposing viewpoint with some form of evidence to back it up. Said evidence may be completely fabricated or simply misrepresented, but surely there will be a basis on which a given perspective or belief is shared. This may ultimately lead to a post-truth world.
What is to be done if we cannot rely on truth? I think this is where principled action is required. I think there’s a reason that even right wing MAGA voters are being turned by the End Oligarchy tour throughout this year that Bernie Sanders, AOC and others have been touring around the country. People see these principled stances that these leaders have had for decades and those resonate. In those moments they forget about some talking head calling Sanders a communist or Socialist. The same goes for Zohran Mamdani’s mayoral campaign that confused Democratic leadership for the last year. Unlike Bernie, Zohran is a self-described socialist. Time will tell how successful his policies are for NYC, and I do hope they are successful. At the end of the day, a large number of New Yorkers are willing to bet on a Muslim socialist, an unexpected outcome in 21st century America.
If we have to reject specific truths, metanarratives will need to do the work towards creating better lives for everyone, even those we disagree with. Even once contended points of truth are slowly becoming an agreed upon metanarrative.
The stunning view from Amtrak’s Empire Builder line.
It’s been a long time since I’ve made a simple post about things going on in my life, and there’s no better way to frame it around the recent passing of Thanksgiving. Here’s a handful of things I’m grateful for, beyond the typical family, friends and health, all if which I am of course extremely thankful.
Archipelago and Fan Mods
I recently wrote on the amazing things fan communities have brought to a variety of games. Not just in challenge runs with an existing game, but overhauling it through mods.
Randomizers have been fun to run on my own, but adding in a multiplayer element with the archipelago system is a whole new level of enjoyment. Being able to play a wide range of games with my friends, all the while unlocking items and progress for each other is a blast. Hundreds of games are available in this system, and the list is ever growing as more and more modders are able to shake things up.
Randomizers are just one of hundreds if not thousands of ways mods have changed gaming. Adding new content, adjusting difficulty or outright changes to a games fundamental gameplay systems are all possible when modders have the tools and the willpower to put something together.
I was talking with my brother just the other day on how unique of a playthrough Skyrim, what is probably one of the most modded games of all time, can be with just a few mods to change things up.
A majority of Old School RuneScape (OSRS) players rely on the free tools in Runelite and the OSRS Wiki. Both of these are tools maintained by the community. The wiki, much like Wikipedia, is a crowd sourced encyclopedia and knowledge base of all things OSRS. Runelite is an alternative client to the main OSRS game. It allows a variety of plugins that lightly interact with or even expand the game, e.g. highlighting certain gameplay elements, playing different sound effects than normal or even enhance the multiplayer experience.
One of the most incredible things about many mods is that they are for the most part free. I do think modders are well within their right to ask for or expect some kind of compensation. What is nice as a consumer is that for the most part, so many of these creators are willing to do the work they do without expectation of financial gain.
The Windy City Rollers and the Derby Community
On the subject of putting in time for no expectation of getting paid, over the last few years I’ve been lucky to be able to volunteer to help The Windy City Rollers (WCR), Chicago’s flat track derby team. My friend brought me to a bout WCR had with New York’s Gotham Roller Derby a few years ago, and I’ve been hooked ever since. The movement and explosiveness of derby is a blast to watch.
As I attended more and more games, I began volunteering at first for simple roles like helping with the merch stand, but with time I’ve even gotten to assist more behind the scenes as a Non-Skating Official (NSO).
Helping primarily at scrimmages, I’ve been cutting my teeth on the tasks and duties and should soon be helping at my first actual game. I’m excited to be involved in the derby community and learn more about the sport, all the while meeting new people along the way.
Amtrak
Just before the first roller derby bout of this season, I had the pleasure of going on my first long train trip across the country. In order to visit some friends in Seattle, I took the Empire Builder line from Chicago to Seattle, and it was an absolute blast.
My departure trip was in coach, and while a little rough, there was a grittiness to the journey that I enjoyed. There wasn’t much to do, so I was able to get a ton of reading done which was really nice. I was able to catch up on a few books I’d been meaning to get around to but never made the time while at home.
While trains are quite a bit slower than something like a plane, there’s a freedom and flexibility you totally miss out on. Being able to walk to a different part of the train gives the feeling that you aren’t trapped in place until the trip is done. Being able to enter the observation car when I was tired of my seat was a relief. The cafe car below offered a decent range of food to stay satiated throughout the whole trip.
The downside of coach was difficulty in sleeping. I had an expectation of some kind of bedding for the night, but was quite surprised when there was nothing at all. This was definitely a layer of that grit. I figured there was nothing to do but get through everything. Otherwise, the other rough part was how long I was wearing the same clothes. Finally arriving in Seattle, I took a shower and realized I’d worn the same socks for three days. I did find there is a dressing room that I will certainly take advantage of should I take coach again in the future.
The return trip was a very different story, as I took a private sleeping car, the first class of trains. This experience was a luxury. Meals in the dining car were included, I had a full bed made for me by a member of the train staff and of course a fully private space for the 46 hour journey.
To start with the meals, I was surprised how good they were. Coach passengers can attend meals in the dining car, but they are $20, $25 and $45 for breakfast, lunch and dinner respectively. I had planned to try out the food, and decided to wait until my meals were covered before doing so. I’ve got to say they are really good. The food is all chef prepared meals, with the dinner being a full 3 course starter, main and dessert all of which were fantastic.
The private space was of course a luxury in of itself. After three days in coach and then three more days at my friends’ apartment, it was definitely nice to have even just a few cubic meters completely to myself. I did not get much reading done on the return trip, but I did play some games, watch some videos and even get some writing done.
Finally, both trips had some amazing views. While about half of the trip pulls through the western Midwest, from Illinois to North Dakota, partway into Montana the mountains emerge and the remote feeling of where the tracks lie provide incredible views.
Trying Out Before Buying In 