travel – Trying Out Before Buying In

Reflecting on the Year of Swing

It’s hard to believe the end of the year is here. I have a simultaneous feeling of the year having gone by so fast but also some moments feel so long ago. The year of Swing was focused on two main elements, momentum and taking chances. I’d say in both realms, the outcomes are a bit of a mixed bag.

Momentum

The one piece of this year that I am extremely grateful for is the email thread sent to my brother. I was able to get something out every month recapping what happened and any plans I had for what was coming next month. The latter piece was so-so, often plans went out the window, but having a log of various events, big and small, allowed me to remember and relive so many great moments in the year. I found this much easier to do than keep a personal journal for a similar purpose, as sending it to someone else kept me doing so, even if I was a little late a few times.

Using those emails to keep track of what I was working towards, health and fitness was a regular practice for trying to keep the pendulum swinging in a positive direction. There were certainly times I was busy with travel or was recovering from injury that I paused some of my fitness habits, but overall things were pretty good. I kept a mix of lifting, climbing and running throughout the year. I’m on a little bit of a hiatus right now, as the New Year resolution crowd will soon hit the gyms and getting a workout in crowded gyms is never an enjoyable time for me.

Likewise, aiming for a monthly post was a good way to keep myself writing. Even if I needed to postpone a couple of times in order to write something with substance, with this post I still put out “one post per month” – as in 12 for the year. This is definitely something I want to carry into the next year, with hopefully more of those substantive posts on the docket. Putting together a small lists of questions to seek out answers was a great way to prompt research and learning. Going about a few posts that way should be a fruitful method for finding topics to explore. I still need to put together some thoughts on local government after failing to attend meetings earlier in the year.

There were a few other projects and areas of interest that got some brief attention, but never any real progress. I started tinkering with game development again, but wish I made the time to participate in at least one game jam. Jams are great opportunities to hone all skills in the development process. I started working on a few smaller game ideas with both being shelved as other areas in life got busier.

An area I found myself needing to slow down momentum was playing Old School Runescape. Looking back on my monthly emails, the game started taking up more and more of my updates. I had several accomplishments in the game this year including my first max level skill, a fire cape and completing all of the currently released quests. I definitely had a lot of fun playing, but needed to put the game in its place around September. It was around then that I realized how much of the game was redirecting my time and attention. I wrote about this cycle and how I came out of it earlier this year. I’m still playing, but much less than I was, and more importantly it’s taking far less mental real estate in my day to day life.

Swing the Bat

The other side of the “swing” coin came from an episode of the anime FLCL. In “Full Swing” the main character is afraid to take a swing in baseball, fearing he will not live up to his now professional player brother. Doing nothing is better than failing in his mind. After the events of the episode, he finds himself in a life or death moment and has to “swing the bat.”

I can thankfully say I had no moments of life or death, but after some tough times at work, I found a way to swing back. To summarize months of frustration, I felt my team was understaffed and overworked. At a certain point, I started pushing back on my boss. To my surprise, he was receptive of the feedback, and at least in my eyes had made major strides to remedy these issues.

After a different series of frustrating moments, I began applying to new jobs. This, perhaps paradoxically, made working my current job easier. Not feeling trapped or backed into a corner at the company or role made the work easier to do. I don’t foresee actually leaving any time soon, but knowing there is the possibility of getting out makes the days easier to get through.

One opportunity I took advantage of was getting more involved in Chicago’s roller derby team the Windy City Rollers. My friend got me hooked on derby a few years ago and late last year I started volunteering to help out with some minor areas like the merch booth. This year I started learning the ropes to help officiate as a non-skating official, or NSO. Getting involved more has shown me so much of the sport and has been a great way to meet so many new people. After months of practicing at scrimmages, I finally officiated my first set of games. In a very stressful list of Jam Timing, Score Keeping and finally Penalty Box Management, it was a long night of derby with very different jobs. It was an absolute honor to have been awarded Most Valuable NSO! Now, I finally need a derby name so I can stop going by “Ryan.”

Another win under my belt was finally taking a trip I’ve dreamed about for years now, and that was to take the train from Chicago to Seattle to visit my friends who live out there. After years, of saying I should do it, mentioning it one final time was the push where I decided this was finally the year. Once I had a good date to visit, I booked the tickets that day. I wrote a bit more on this last month, and a bit on derby as well, but I can’t recommend opting for traveling by train enough. It’s certainly longer than a flight, but so much less of a hassle. Being on the train, is like a trip in of itself. Especially once the Midwest is behind you and gorgeous mountain views surround the train. The one downside I would say was very unreliable, or nonexistent internet, as it would be nice to get some work done while traveling. It’s perhaps a blessing in disguise as there was no longer an option to work allowing me to fully take in the experience.

Travel as a whole was great in 2025. I had several amazing camping trips, including a first time visit to Red River Gorge for the 4th of July. The spot we camp had a fireworks show and massive bonfire which was a good time once we found that the fire was a planned ordeal. Seeing a massive fire quickly erupt in a mostly open field shortly after fireworks had me fearing the bystander effect before my very eyes. My friends and I were able to sprinkle in several smaller outdoor trips, like a few short weekend camping and a even day trip to go kayaking. It’s always a nice time to just get time outdoors for even just a little while.

Finally, though certainly not last chronologically, I went to New York City for the first time. I may have accidentally invited myself on this trip while with the friends planning it and am so glad those friends took me along. We had incredible food, spent some great time wandering the city and two of my best friends got engaged there – I was somehow entrusted to take the photos of the moment.

On that subject, I also got ordained to be the minister for those friends. They moved quick on the legal side of their marriage in order to take advantage of those benefits as soon as possible. With just a small wedding, it was an honor to have been part of it.

Mood Swings

I wish I could say all aspects of my life were going well with maybe a stumble here or there. This will be the hardest piece to write about, but not shying away from this discomfort is important. While it’s been several outbursts lately, I’ve had some serious mental health struggles throughout the entire year.

On multiple occasions I found myself in a deep pit of self loathing and self destruction. In a recent outburst, I broke a handful of things throughout my apartment. I feel stupid looking back on it of course, but in that moment feeling things break or flipping over a piece of furniture had a catharsis I don’t think I could experience otherwise.

I didn’t even remember one breakdown I had back in February until looking through my email thread. I’d been so focused on what I’d been struggling with lately that I’ve been blind to signs of issues throughout the entire year. Nothing to the extent of a full breakdown, but still enough (metaphorical) cuts and scrapes that I should have seen the damage that was building up.

Asking for help is something that I’ve struggled with in a range of things, not just mental health, but mundane things. I’m not sure if it’s from being raised with a self-reliant mindset, alongside extracurriculars like Boy Scouts or my time as a student athlete taught me that I needed to take care of myself. Of course organizations like the BSA also teach cooperation and community, but perhaps a part of me has thought that I only need to give those things and don’t need that help for myself. Or perhaps it’s some childhood trauma I haven’t been able to let go of in which I don’t want to be a burden on anyone. In all reality, this failure to ask for help likely stems from a mix of both.

All this to say, one of my 2026 theme’s elements will involve finally getting some professional help on this front, because whatever I’ve been trying on my own is certainly not working.

I don’t want to end this post on a downer, so I want to dive into something that got me through one of those low moments. In October, I found myself having a terrible breakdown wailing, my head in my hands. I don’t know if I ever cried that hard before. My mind went down this ever deeper and darker rabbit hole that led to me realizing how much I hated who I was in that moment, or maybe even more than just that moment. In that anger I believed things would be better if the world could be destroyed thought if I had the power to I would. It was a bitter and petty feeling I never want to relive.

It was through this feeling though, I remembered half of my FF9 tattoo, one of the game’s antagonists, Kuja. A character whose pettiness and despair leads to his attempt to destroy the world. That half of the tattoo is a cautionary tale, in the pits of despair, rage may be easy path out in the moment, but doesn’t offer a real solution. My tattoo contrasts this personification of rage with Vivi, a character who undergoes a similar arc, but a character who finds meaning in friends and self-actualization despite his existential crisis.

Even Kuja finds a moment of redemption towards the end of the game. In on of the final scenes of the game, a selfless act offers some penance for his misdeeds. Certainly not forgiveness for all his crimes, but even villains can sometimes choose to do something right.

I hope this time of year finds you well. The new year is a cultural time to seek change and recovery, but remember it’s just another day on the calendar. If at any time you find yourself needing change, January 1st is no different than March 19th which is no different than October 31st. The best time to make that change is now.

Gratitude 2025

The stunning view from Amtrak’s Empire Builder line.

It’s been a long time since I’ve made a simple post about things going on in my life, and there’s no better way to frame it around the recent passing of Thanksgiving. Here’s a handful of things I’m grateful for, beyond the typical family, friends and health, all if which I am of course extremely thankful.

Archipelago and Fan Mods

I recently wrote on the amazing things fan communities have brought to a variety of games. Not just in challenge runs with an existing game, but overhauling it through mods.

Randomizers have been fun to run on my own, but adding in a multiplayer element with the archipelago system is a whole new level of enjoyment. Being able to play a wide range of games with my friends, all the while unlocking items and progress for each other is a blast. Hundreds of games are available in this system, and the list is ever growing as more and more modders are able to shake things up.

Randomizers are just one of hundreds if not thousands of ways mods have changed gaming. Adding new content, adjusting difficulty or outright changes to a games fundamental gameplay systems are all possible when modders have the tools and the willpower to put something together.

I was talking with my brother just the other day on how unique of a playthrough Skyrim, what is probably one of the most modded games of all time, can be with just a few mods to change things up.

A majority of Old School RuneScape (OSRS) players rely on the free tools in Runelite and the OSRS Wiki. Both of these are tools maintained by the community. The wiki, much like Wikipedia, is a crowd sourced encyclopedia and knowledge base of all things OSRS. Runelite is an alternative client to the main OSRS game. It allows a variety of plugins that lightly interact with or even expand the game, e.g. highlighting certain gameplay elements, playing different sound effects than normal or even enhance the multiplayer experience.

One of the most incredible things about many mods is that they are for the most part free. I do think modders are well within their right to ask for or expect some kind of compensation. What is nice as a consumer is that for the most part, so many of these creators are willing to do the work they do without expectation of financial gain.

The Windy City Rollers and the Derby Community

On the subject of putting in time for no expectation of getting paid, over the last few years I’ve been lucky to be able to volunteer to help The Windy City Rollers (WCR), Chicago’s flat track derby team. My friend brought me to a bout WCR had with New York’s Gotham Roller Derby a few years ago, and I’ve been hooked ever since. The movement and explosiveness of derby is a blast to watch.

As I attended more and more games, I began volunteering at first for simple roles like helping with the merch stand, but with time I’ve even gotten to assist more behind the scenes as a Non-Skating Official (NSO).

Helping primarily at scrimmages, I’ve been cutting my teeth on the tasks and duties and should soon be helping at my first actual game. I’m excited to be involved in the derby community and learn more about the sport, all the while meeting new people along the way.

Amtrak

Just before the first roller derby bout of this season, I had the pleasure of going on my first long train trip across the country. In order to visit some friends in Seattle, I took the Empire Builder line from Chicago to Seattle, and it was an absolute blast.

My departure trip was in coach, and while a little rough, there was a grittiness to the journey that I enjoyed. There wasn’t much to do, so I was able to get a ton of reading done which was really nice. I was able to catch up on a few books I’d been meaning to get around to but never made the time while at home.

While trains are quite a bit slower than something like a plane, there’s a freedom and flexibility you totally miss out on. Being able to walk to a different part of the train gives the feeling that you aren’t trapped in place until the trip is done. Being able to enter the observation car when I was tired of my seat was a relief. The cafe car below offered a decent range of food to stay satiated throughout the whole trip.

The downside of coach was difficulty in sleeping. I had an expectation of some kind of bedding for the night, but was quite surprised when there was nothing at all. This was definitely a layer of that grit. I figured there was nothing to do but get through everything. Otherwise, the other rough part was how long I was wearing the same clothes. Finally arriving in Seattle, I took a shower and realized I’d worn the same socks for three days. I did find there is a dressing room that I will certainly take advantage of should I take coach again in the future.

The return trip was a very different story, as I took a private sleeping car, the first class of trains. This experience was a luxury. Meals in the dining car were included, I had a full bed made for me by a member of the train staff and of course a fully private space for the 46 hour journey.

To start with the meals, I was surprised how good they were. Coach passengers can attend meals in the dining car, but they are $20, $25 and $45 for breakfast, lunch and dinner respectively. I had planned to try out the food, and decided to wait until my meals were covered before doing so. I’ve got to say they are really good. The food is all chef prepared meals, with the dinner being a full 3 course starter, main and dessert all of which were fantastic.

The private space was of course a luxury in of itself. After three days in coach and then three more days at my friends’ apartment, it was definitely nice to have even just a few cubic meters completely to myself. I did not get much reading done on the return trip, but I did play some games, watch some videos and even get some writing done.

Finally, both trips had some amazing views. While about half of the trip pulls through the western Midwest, from Illinois to North Dakota, partway into Montana the mountains emerge and the remote feeling of where the tracks lie provide incredible views.

Climbing, Falling and Kingdom Hearts

Last summer I found solace after a tough climbing experience in one of my favorite pastimes, videogames. In particular, a great moment in Kingdom Hearts 3. A moment that I think defines what makes gaming great and definitely one of my favorite sequences as a player.

Lessons at the Gorge

A few years ago, my friends introduced me to rock climbing. While we mostly stick to the gym, every so often we make head to the outdoors for real rock climbing. In my experience, the feeling of ascending actual rock and stone is far superior to the artificial routes of the gym.

A common destination of ours is Red River Gorge, a region in Kentucky that’s popular for climbing. The area’s routes are was mostly set up for lead climbing, as compared to top rope climbing that I typically do in the gym. The difference between the two is the cost of a fall. In top rope, the rope is anchored at the top of the route, meaning a fall will only drop the climber the slack in the rope, which should be next to nothing. In lead, the rope is brought up by the climber and clipped into smaller anchors throughout the climb. This means a fall will take the climber to the last clipped in spot plus whatever slack is in the line. Slack is required to move above the current clip, so falls can be a big loss in progress. This climbing website has a good guide. I thought about just using their picture, but check out their site if you want to see it for yourself.

One of the specific challenges of climbing outdoors that setting the route. Lead, in particular, has a challenging setting process, as you need to place the clips the rope will go into as you make the initial climb. This process is pretty straight forward, as there are bolts in the wall for where to place the gear. The one spot that matters is the top anchor clips, as these need to be placed in a specific orientation for safety. On the bright side, once everything is placed, it’s now a top rope route for those who don’t want to lead.

After the climb is done comes the more complex part, taking everything down. Part of this process involves removing the rope that is holding you up. Before removing, you attach yourself to the top bolts to prevent taking a massive fall. Once the anchor clips are removed, you pass the rope through the existing anchor, often some chains, and lower down like a standard top rope climb.

The removal of gear is called cleaning and the process is a pretty fun one. The biggest challenge is often having the energy to climb back up after a long day of climbing. Being the spry young man I am, I was more than happy to clean as many routes as I could.

During the second route I ever cleaned, I had the joy of finding myself trapped at the top of the wall. Sand had gotten into the carabiner lock that held me at the top. Being unable to lower until detached, I was a little concerned. Remaining calm, a friend raised up a set of pliers with the grip needed to open the jammed lock. Upon being lowered, several friends commented on the calmness of my being stuck. The whole experience boosted my confidence that I might be pretty good at this whole climbing thing.

Meeting Miranda Rayne

The next day, we left camp for the gloriously named “The Shire,” a wall with a few routes new to our group.

After a challenging drive through some crazy backroads and hills, we arrived and began climbing. The first two routes were a lot of fun. Leading and setting them were relatively simple and we made our way across the wall to the route that inspired this post, Miranda Rayne.

It was a long way up, but I’ve been climbing well all weekend. At this point, I hadn’t fallen once, learned a lot and was feeling confident. Starting the climb wasn’t too bad. Around halfway up, I took my first fall. Just some fatigue, right? With a quick shakeout, I made my way back up and fell again. More tired, I tried again. And again. All the while, an experienced group of climbers arrived and flew up Miranda Rayne with relative ease just before I started my climb.

After a few more falls, I had to call it quits. I was exhausted and defeated. Luckily, the other group of climbers were kind enough to finish setting the route, so that my friends could experience the suffering – I mean enjoy the exciting challenge of Miranda Rayne, albeit on top rope.

While I can definitely laugh about it now, in the moment I was furious and disappointed with myself. How could I not climb this route? It should have been easy.

With some time to reflect and think about the climb, I felt more motivated to climb than ever. A big flaw in my current training was height. The gym I go to has 30 ft walls, which may sound large, but Miranda Rayne towers over the gym walls at 60 ft. Adding in the occasional double, climbing a route back to back was a nice way to work on climbing stamina.

Kingdom Hearts is Li…fe Changing

Before I can dive into the scene that inspired this post, I have to lay some groundwork. I don’t know if there’s a game series that I have more nostalgia, frustration and love for than Kingdom Hearts. This silly mashup of Final Fantasy and Disney somehow became a world wide sensation with over a dozen games and many meme-able moments. While I’ll largely be discussing my experience with the series, I do reference several specific plot points for the first and “third” games of the series, so consider this your spoiler warning.

In my youth, my dad would often take my siblings and I to Best Buy where my brother and I would pick a game and my sister would pick her own. My memory could be wrong, but I feel like Kingdom Hearts was a “sister pick.” The world, story and characters had me hooked from the first entry. Sora, the series protagonist, was the perfect insert for dumb kids ready to smack monsters with the legendary Keyblade – a sword that’s also a Key. There’s some interesting ideas they do with the weapon as a concept, but it’s also extremely literal. It tends to lock or unlock things.

Most of the game is gallivanting across several worlds based on Disney franchises like Tarzan, Aladdin and Peter Pan. However, the final worlds visited take a more serious and darker tone. Sora is betrayed by his best friend, Riku. After a challenging fight with Riku, now fully possessed by darkness, Sora makes a difficult choice to save another friend, Kairi. Sora sacrifices himself. He briefly dies, well at least the closest thing the first game offers as any indication of death. A challenging scene to take seriously as an adult seeing and hearing an incoherent Donald Duck rushing to our hero as he disappears into nothingness.

One resurrection and a SquareSoft multi-phase final boss fight later, the forces of darkness are defeated, for now. A plot thread that gets the story truly started is that worlds have been disappearing. Defeating the final boss releases those lost worlds, including the island Sora and his friends started this adventure. In an incredible ending sequence, Sora and Kairi stand on the ground of different worlds as they begin to pull apart. Sora chooses to stay behind to look for Riku and Mickey Mouse – if I explain that part I’ll never get this post finished. The island from the beginning of the game begins to reform around Kairi as a tear forms in her eye. I still remember crying after the end of the first game. Despite all his efforts, the fighting, and adventuring to find them, Sora is separated from his friends.

These games were a fundamental part of growing up for me. I remember getting Kingdom Hearts: Chain of Memories, a spinoff game many fans didn’t know it existed due to its release on the Game Boy Advance. My brother and I traded in maybe a dozen games we no longer played and still had to beg our mom for like 10 bucks to buy the game. Even my early days on the internet were often spent on the KH Insider forums reading the latest fan theories for the story to come.

One challenge of being a Kingdom Hearts fan is the proliferation of spinoff and side games. Out of roughly a dozen entries, there are only three mainline numbered games in the series, with the major gap between these being Kingdom Hearts 2 and 3. KH2 was released in early 2005, and then six games across five different consoles were released before fans saw the “third” game hit shelves. In January of 2019, the world was finally able to play the finale of the “Seeker of Darkness” story-line which began in the first game.

Falling into Darkness

I, however, did not own a PlayStation 4 to play the game, nor did I feel that same pull to the franchise I once did. I had the chance to play a bit when I visited some friends and family who owned the game. Dropping into the middle of a story I hadn’t really touched in years left me thinking maybe I’d grown out of the franchise.

Five long years after it’s initial release, I finally felt the call and bought Kingdom Hearts 3. It helped that the games were finally released on Steam, the most popular platform for buying PC games.

After the long awaited first playthrough, I have some critiques. My first complaint is some minor nitpicks with the story. I feel there are a few missed opportunities. In particular, a potential theme of prophecy and overcoming fate is setup, but left unexplored. The scene I go into detail below is a good example of this theme not really paying off. A prophesied event is prevented, but there’s no exploration of the fact. The game just moves on to the next plot point.

My other complaint lay in the gameplay. With recently playing through Kingdom Hearts 2, I felt overwhelmed with combat options many of which felt very reactive. Its predecessor o the other hand, gives a selection of more proactive choices to handle various challenges and bosses. So much so, that great players can take on some of the games most challenging bosses with randomized abilities and tools and still come up on top.

Despite my issues with the game, I enjoyed my time with Sora and the gang. The writers know how to make certain moments hit, although we’re a long way from the simplicity of the first game. To briefly summarize the wild setup for Kingdom Hearts 3, the main villain, Xehanort, has moved through time to create 13 versions of himself to create a prophesied clash of 13 darknesses and 7 lights. The latter is of course our group of heroes, led by Sora. The forces of light and dark meet at an appropriate battleground, the Keyboard Graveyard, a wasteland with countless Keyblades stuck into the dirt. However, before this battle even begins, a monstrous wave of Heartless – creatures of darkness that serve as the main enemy throughout the series. Everyone dies – or more likely become Heartless like Sora did when he sacrificed himself in the first game. Seeing so many fallen friends, for the first time of the series, Sora gives up. In the aftermath, Sora dies. Like actually to dies this time, arriving in an afterlife not seen in the series before.

After a convoluted series of events, some time travel occurs and the heroes get one more chance to take on the darkness. Events begin repeating themselves, but this time moments before the end, a light flashes and a new character appears for just a few seconds. Sora is lifted by a whirlwind of Keyblades from the environment. This new character is Ephemer, a Keyblade wielder from long ago. His story takes place in a prequel game showing the events of which caused the Keyblade War, the event which created the graveyard the fated battle is now occurring. After being lifted by hundreds of Keyblades, a sequence begins with a familiar button prompt, but this one is slightly different.

The prompt shows the username of a player – not a character but a human player – from the aforementioned prequel. In the lore of the game, Keyblade Wielders from eons past are helping Sora overcome the massive wave of Heartless. In reality, it’s just a list of names, but the designers elevated names to the key to success. It is because of these players, we are able to overcome what was once a defeat.

The build up and payoff of this amazing sequence had me tearing up. Moments like this are why I love videogames. While all I’m doing is pressing a button over and over again, the storytelling and game play come together to craft this connection between fans of this series to bring our hero out from the lowest we’ve ever seen him.

Tying it All Together

Failure and defeat are inevitable in life, especially when trying new and challenging things. Wallowing in that failure is the only way it can truly be defeat.

Other people are a great way to bounce back, no matter how deep in the pit one may be. I am lucky to have a great group of friends that pick me up no matter how low I might fall – sometimes literally.