It’s hard to believe the end of the year is here. I have a simultaneous feeling of the year having gone by so fast but also some moments feel so long ago. The year of Swing was focused on two main elements, momentum and taking chances. I’d say in both realms, the outcomes are a bit of a mixed bag.
Momentum
The one piece of this year that I am extremely grateful for is the email thread sent to my brother. I was able to get something out every month recapping what happened and any plans I had for what was coming next month. The latter piece was so-so, often plans went out the window, but having a log of various events, big and small, allowed me to remember and relive so many great moments in the year. I found this much easier to do than keep a personal journal for a similar purpose, as sending it to someone else kept me doing so, even if I was a little late a few times.
Using those emails to keep track of what I was working towards, health and fitness was a regular practice for trying to keep the pendulum swinging in a positive direction. There were certainly times I was busy with travel or was recovering from injury that I paused some of my fitness habits, but overall things were pretty good. I kept a mix of lifting, climbing and running throughout the year. I’m on a little bit of a hiatus right now, as the New Year resolution crowd will soon hit the gyms and getting a workout in crowded gyms is never an enjoyable time for me.
Likewise, aiming for a monthly post was a good way to keep myself writing. Even if I needed to postpone a couple of times in order to write something with substance, with this post I still put out “one post per month” – as in 12 for the year. This is definitely something I want to carry into the next year, with hopefully more of those substantive posts on the docket. Putting together a small lists of questions to seek out answers was a great way to prompt research and learning. Going about a few posts that way should be a fruitful method for finding topics to explore. I still need to put together some thoughts on local government after failing to attend meetings earlier in the year.
There were a few other projects and areas of interest that got some brief attention, but never any real progress. I started tinkering with game development again, but wish I made the time to participate in at least one game jam. Jams are great opportunities to hone all skills in the development process. I started working on a few smaller game ideas with both being shelved as other areas in life got busier.
An area I found myself needing to slow down momentum was playing Old School Runescape. Looking back on my monthly emails, the game started taking up more and more of my updates. I had several accomplishments in the game this year including my first max level skill, a fire cape and completing all of the currently released quests. I definitely had a lot of fun playing, but needed to put the game in its place around September. It was around then that I realized how much of the game was redirecting my time and attention. I wrote about this cycle and how I came out of it earlier this year. I’m still playing, but much less than I was, and more importantly it’s taking far less mental real estate in my day to day life.
Swing the Bat
The other side of the “swing” coin came from an episode of the anime FLCL. In “Full Swing” the main character is afraid to take a swing in baseball, fearing he will not live up to his now professional player brother. Doing nothing is better than failing in his mind. After the events of the episode, he finds himself in a life or death moment and has to “swing the bat.”
I can thankfully say I had no moments of life or death, but after some tough times at work, I found a way to swing back. To summarize months of frustration, I felt my team was understaffed and overworked. At a certain point, I started pushing back on my boss. To my surprise, he was receptive of the feedback, and at least in my eyes had made major strides to remedy these issues.
After a different series of frustrating moments, I began applying to new jobs. This, perhaps paradoxically, made working my current job easier. Not feeling trapped or backed into a corner at the company or role made the work easier to do. I don’t foresee actually leaving any time soon, but knowing there is the possibility of getting out makes the days easier to get through.
One opportunity I took advantage of was getting more involved in Chicago’s roller derby team the Windy City Rollers. My friend got me hooked on derby a few years ago and late last year I started volunteering to help out with some minor areas like the merch booth. This year I started learning the ropes to help officiate as a non-skating official, or NSO. Getting involved more has shown me so much of the sport and has been a great way to meet so many new people. After months of practicing at scrimmages, I finally officiated my first set of games. In a very stressful list of Jam Timing, Score Keeping and finally Penalty Box Management, it was a long night of derby with very different jobs. It was an absolute honor to have been awarded Most Valuable NSO! Now, I finally need a derby name so I can stop going by “Ryan.”
Another win under my belt was finally taking a trip I’ve dreamed about for years now, and that was to take the train from Chicago to Seattle to visit my friends who live out there. After years, of saying I should do it, mentioning it one final time was the push where I decided this was finally the year. Once I had a good date to visit, I booked the tickets that day. I wrote a bit more on this last month, and a bit on derby as well, but I can’t recommend opting for traveling by train enough. It’s certainly longer than a flight, but so much less of a hassle. Being on the train, is like a trip in of itself. Especially once the Midwest is behind you and gorgeous mountain views surround the train. The one downside I would say was very unreliable, or nonexistent internet, as it would be nice to get some work done while traveling. It’s perhaps a blessing in disguise as there was no longer an option to work allowing me to fully take in the experience.
Travel as a whole was great in 2025. I had several amazing camping trips, including a first time visit to Red River Gorge for the 4th of July. The spot we camp had a fireworks show and massive bonfire which was a good time once we found that the fire was a planned ordeal. Seeing a massive fire quickly erupt in a mostly open field shortly after fireworks had me fearing the bystander effect before my very eyes. My friends and I were able to sprinkle in several smaller outdoor trips, like a few short weekend camping and a even day trip to go kayaking. It’s always a nice time to just get time outdoors for even just a little while.
Finally, though certainly not last chronologically, I went to New York City for the first time. I may have accidentally invited myself on this trip while with the friends planning it and am so glad those friends took me along. We had incredible food, spent some great time wandering the city and two of my best friends got engaged there – I was somehow entrusted to take the photos of the moment.
On that subject, I also got ordained to be the minister for those friends. They moved quick on the legal side of their marriage in order to take advantage of those benefits as soon as possible. With just a small wedding, it was an honor to have been part of it.
Mood Swings
I wish I could say all aspects of my life were going well with maybe a stumble here or there. This will be the hardest piece to write about, but not shying away from this discomfort is important. While it’s been several outbursts lately, I’ve had some serious mental health struggles throughout the entire year.
On multiple occasions I found myself in a deep pit of self loathing and self destruction. In a recent outburst, I broke a handful of things throughout my apartment. I feel stupid looking back on it of course, but in that moment feeling things break or flipping over a piece of furniture had a catharsis I don’t think I could experience otherwise.
I didn’t even remember one breakdown I had back in February until looking through my email thread. I’d been so focused on what I’d been struggling with lately that I’ve been blind to signs of issues throughout the entire year. Nothing to the extent of a full breakdown, but still enough (metaphorical) cuts and scrapes that I should have seen the damage that was building up.
Asking for help is something that I’ve struggled with in a range of things, not just mental health, but mundane things. I’m not sure if it’s from being raised with a self-reliant mindset, alongside extracurriculars like Boy Scouts or my time as a student athlete taught me that I needed to take care of myself. Of course organizations like the BSA also teach cooperation and community, but perhaps a part of me has thought that I only need to give those things and don’t need that help for myself. Or perhaps it’s some childhood trauma I haven’t been able to let go of in which I don’t want to be a burden on anyone. In all reality, this failure to ask for help likely stems from a mix of both.
All this to say, one of my 2026 theme’s elements will involve finally getting some professional help on this front, because whatever I’ve been trying on my own is certainly not working.
I don’t want to end this post on a downer, so I want to dive into something that got me through one of those low moments. In October, I found myself having a terrible breakdown wailing, my head in my hands. I don’t know if I ever cried that hard before. My mind went down this ever deeper and darker rabbit hole that led to me realizing how much I hated who I was in that moment, or maybe even more than just that moment. In that anger I believed things would be better if the world could be destroyed thought if I had the power to I would. It was a bitter and petty feeling I never want to relive.
It was through this feeling though, I remembered half of my FF9 tattoo, one of the game’s antagonists, Kuja. A character whose pettiness and despair leads to his attempt to destroy the world. That half of the tattoo is a cautionary tale, in the pits of despair, rage may be easy path out in the moment, but doesn’t offer a real solution. My tattoo contrasts this personification of rage with Vivi, a character who undergoes a similar arc, but a character who finds meaning in friends and self-actualization despite his existential crisis.
Even Kuja finds a moment of redemption towards the end of the game. In on of the final scenes of the game, a selfless act offers some penance for his misdeeds. Certainly not forgiveness for all his crimes, but even villains can sometimes choose to do something right.
I hope this time of year finds you well. The new year is a cultural time to seek change and recovery, but remember it’s just another day on the calendar. If at any time you find yourself needing change, January 1st is no different than March 19th which is no different than October 31st. The best time to make that change is now.
Trying Out Before Buying In 