Something I never thought I had trouble with was honesty. I have long thought of myself as someone who tells the truth and doesn’t really need to lie. Lying ends up causing more trouble than the truth, right? Well, not always. Something I’ve enjoyed about having a therapist, however, is being able to tell her things that normally I wouldn’t.
Lies By Omission
The most common lie I believe all of us “tell” are the truths we don’t. Often I find myself wanting to say something that’s on my mind, but decide not doing so is the better option. Maybe the statement will lead down an awkward path I don’t want to go down, or damage a relationship in someway.
Not sharing every opinion you have at a given moment will likely spare any company a certain level of complaints. Sometimes the truth just hurts with no upside. What’s the point of honesty in those cases?
The Truth Will Set You Free
An unfortunate side effect of withholding the truth, even when done with good intention, is weighs on you. There are also some things that don’t seem appropriate to share in a given context, but keeping things bottled up cause more problems. Having a safe outlet thorugh therapy has definitely been a big benefit.
Once again the convenience of Better Help has really paid off. I’ve been able to message my therapist when something is on my mind. Before it fades away as the rest of my life catches up and eats up my attention. Being able to briefly talk with someone, even just through text, about something helps to move on, or have a proper plan in place to work through it.
One final thought I have on Better Help in general is that I’ve opened up more to text communication. I always thought it texting was an inefficient communication tool as compared to speaking over the phone or, even better, in person. Sometimes we have a hard time expressing something in any way but the written word. For me, it also feels easier to write something and hit send than it can be to say even a single word in given situations.
While I’ve once seen texting as an impersonal and inefficient way to communicate, I realize now that I might have been too quick to judge.
Trying out therapy has me feeling great. It’s something I’ve never done before but long considered. While I don’t think I’ve flown the coop or anything, it’s nice to be able to talk with someone about matters I’m not willing to talk about with others. Better Help is the online counseling service that I’m trying out, thus my experience will be reflecting that.
Getting Started
There are a few of things I recognize as needing help with mentally or emotionally. I’ve tried various habits in the past, a lot of which have helped, but most often they are self-driven. Having another person involved has surprisingly been easier.
For my first and only session so far, my therapist and I targeted a single problem to focus on and work through, though she encouraged sharing anything else that comes up. The problem in question isn’t something I’m comfortable talking with others due to it’s unpleasantness, so it was nice to finally talk it through. Someone offering alternatives to a mindset I was stuck in was nice. My therapist recommended putting my focus and energy into alternative ways of thinking that make me feel better about a given situation.
The app also encourages goal setting, which of course I am all about. My goal this week is to write at least two journals. Journaling has helped me express and release thoughts that have been sticking around, but I’ve struggled to continue the habit. Someone holding me accountable is helpful to continue such a helpful practice. There is even built in journal functionality in the app that can be shared with the counselor, further encouraging the habit.
Service Support
The online convenience of Better Help is nice, as I can send and receive messages at any time with my therapist, giving both of us plenty of flexibility. Scheduling a live session was also easy to do. From what I can tell there aren’t limits on the number of sessions you can take. There are resources available, such as worksheets or exercises, one of which is helping me through my challenges.
It’s still too early to say if it’s totally worth it, especially considering it isn’t cheap. Although, Better Help does seem to be less expensive than traditional therapy and is a flat rate per week. Scheduling just one session a week will likely make up for the cost compared to an in person session. Regardless, a clear mind may be considered priceless.
From what I hear from a number of people, therapy can be helpful not only for the most extreme cases.
Local artists making the most out of the weather conditions.
This past week, I hit a wall, but pushed through. Regardless of feeling drained mentally, emotionally, and physically, I continued creating. Game development started to become quite exhausting, so I moved back to writing some days, which helped to keep my momentum going.
Game Dev Dead Ends
Making games is a fun process, but there is a ton of work that goes into even the smallest feature. Seeing what people come up with for projects, both as retail products and just for fun, is fascinating. It also offers a great opportunity to learn about computer programming and logic.
Sometimes, the road is short and a good lesson learned. Other times, my flow of progress seems completely derailed. Working in tech for my full time job makes dealing with bugs a tough process. Staring at computer problems all day makes tackling new ones, even the fun ones, tiring.
The solution, of course, is to work on passion projects prior to the workday, as I see a number of other creators doing. Try as I have, I’ve struggled with this, even more recently. Just a few weeks ago, while working on Eastern time, I still woke up with little time before being on the clock. Losing the extra hour to sleep.
Even considering delays, the little bit of work I started still taught me a lot, so it’s not as though it is time wasted. The project forced me to take a step back and learn some better organizational skills when it comes to game development. A helpful skill which eliminates repetition and the need to re-iterate too frequently.
While I’ve worked on game projects in the past, each one has given new lessons to learn. Lessons I hope to keep implementing on the next.
Running on Empty, But Still Running
The game dev process in itself can be tiring, but over the past few days, it has not been the only thing taking it’s toll. From fitness to work to my personal life, I’ve felt exhausted trying to keep all the plates spinning. Creative work has often been one of the last things to tackle in the day.
Trying to start with little will power left is definitely not a recipe for success. It becomes easy to avoid difficult problems, see above. This is the reason I implemented the “not starting something new” restriction last week. Though, I did cheat a bit last night.
After dealing with some late night work issues, I gave myself the “justification” to go to bed, as I’d be waking up in a few hours to check on things. Looking at my habit tracker, there was just one item left unchecked. I knew all I needed was to start. So, I opened up my list of poems and started writing what came to mind.
Another One to Keep
Few habits I try actually stick, but I want to keep this one going. I’m glad I pushed myself to do something every day. It’s a habit I do, even when the lazy part of my brain starts to whine. Motivation doesn’t last forever, working with or without it is how great projects are completed. Doing something every day is a habit I’m proud to continue. Perhaps one day, it’ll become part of a consistent morning routine.
For my next trial, I plan on doing something I’ve considered for a while. I spent a few days thinking about what I need to do, and was coming up empty. After a particularly tough day emotionally yesterday, I’m going to try out therapy. Specifically, I’m going to try out the service Better Help, which I’ve seen advertised from time to time. Maybe it’ll help, maybe not, I guess we’ll find out!
The player sprite for the concept I’m working on. I am pushing myself to not worry about the art looking good, and focus on the important part, game play.
With plenty of self reflection over the past week, I came to the realization of how afraid I am to make an honest effort in making many ideas into a reality. Recent reading has facilitated this reflection, but a TV series has also got me thinking about the creative process.
The Hidden Critic
The safe option is to keep an idea in my head. That perfect vision not yet ruined by translating it to reality. The flow of a story. The feel of a game. The sound of a song. It’s all so clever and just right, until I start to put it on paper, code, or instrument.
It begins to feel off. “Hmm that’s not quite it. Maybe I’m just not good enough to make this. Maybe I’m not good enough to make anything.” The spiral begins.
Luckily, I’ve been writing publicly long enough to realize no one really gives a shit if something sucks. If anything, putting my work out there has given me a vision of the progress I’ve made over time. Even still, it takes a lot out of me to fight through the negativity.
Last week, I included a picture of the book *The Artist’s Way* by Julia Cameron. I haven’t made the time to read as much as I would have liked to in the past week, but the early chapters are pretty much about starting and not worrying about the inner critic.
I never thought of the fear I had as a critic, as I try to be pretty positive with myself. Thinking about it more this week, it really has held me back a lot. Even on some things that I’ve finished and am proud of, this critic will whisper to me at times.
Previously, I mentioned the games I made during a couple jams last year. I put in a lot of work into them, but part of me still downplays the effort saying with qualifiers like, “it’s okay for something made in a weekend.” There is a point where humility becomes a weight that feels like it’s holding me back.
Simple Inspiration
It’s a bit silly how much this ridiculous show has really inspired me since I started watching it. Keep Your Hands Off Eizouken is a currently airing anime about a group of high schoolers making anime. It’s a pretty simple premise, but the execution has struck me. I shared this show in my monthly newsletter, but it felt so relevant I wanted to share it here as well.
In catching up on a couple of episodes this past weekend, I felt like the show was talking to me. In the process of trying to make a closing deadline, they begin using some shortcuts and techniques to speed up the process, betraying their artistic integrity, much to the dismay of the two creators.
One of the girls, who is acting as the director, begins to step away from the project, justifying it with thoughts like, “well if it can’t be what I want it to be, then why make it?”
The producer, the one calling for the expediting, snaps her back into reality asking something to the effect of, “Isn’t it better to have made something at all?”
This, of course, got my motivation engine churning on full power, something that is starting to level out. Though, motivation is something I’m trying to rely on less, hence building this create every day habit.
It’s easy to work when motivated, but little progress every day is far better than sprints that last mere moments. When it comes to creation, as the old adage goes, it’s a marathon, not a sprint.
Most of this week has been spent visiting my dad in Florida. Leading into the trip, I had a vision of waking up early, and getting into some writing each morning. Of course, reality set in the first morning, and I was back in the same routine, relatively, as I was back home. Waking up just in time to start work and writing at the very end of the day. In general, I’ve been really only working on a new ideas that come to mind at the time. For the remainder of the trial, I’d like to change this approach and focus on developing the many existing ideas.
Late Start
I wish I could say I succeeded in my previous goal of getting an earlier start, but that would be a lie. Visiting my dad has been great, but of course the “vacation feel” has made sticking to my habits a bit tough. Well actually, I might be sticking to my bad habits too well.
Getting pulled into work right after waking up is the one thing I was hoping to avoid with the extra hour on Eastern time. As they say, no matter where you go, there you are.
Here’s to looking ahead and trying to get off to the right foot this next week.
Starting from Scratch
Writing is what I’ve stuck to this week, as I haven’t had much for ideas in the art department. More often than not it’s been short stories or the opening scene of a larger idea.
Starting something new has been a nice way to explore different ideas as they come to me, beyonf than just a couple quick notes. I’ve definitely had some fun exploring some ideas, usually driven by recency bias. For example, after watching a few mystery movies, I got to drafting up one myself.
But in order to really create something, one needs…
Progress
The remaining weeks of this trial, I’ll be shifting my focus to working on old ideas will help create real progress on what I’ve started. I’m giving myself the constraint of no new ideas. I have to work on something I’ve already started.
Which brings me to a game concept I mentioned in the last post, I want to shift my plan and make some tangible progress on it. There is an element of fear that it won’t turn out the way I want and so I’ve been putting off real work on it.
I’d like to see how far I can get in the remaining time of this trial. Last year, I participated in two Game Jams, making two games in a limited time. With that experience, I know a lot can be done in a short amount of time.
Spending a week actually making things has been nice, but tougher than I expected. For the most part, it’s been more writing, but I also made some art for a game concept I’ve been fleshing out. The hardest part for me has been getting the ball rolling. Staring at a blank canvas or page can be daunting, but once even the smallest piece is added, ideas start flowing.
Start Small
Day one was tough. The motivation boost I had the night before died in less than a day. I opened my computer and thought, “Now what the hell do I do?” I decided to pull up an old story idea I had and started writing whatever came to mind. After, a few minutes, I hit a dead end and really didn’t know what I wanted to do with it. That’s one thing I’ve noticed, I have a lot of concepts, but not many real ideas. That being ideas with depth that can be expanded on, and that’s okay. For now, I’m focused on just making things. It doesn’t matter if they’re good or long or marketable. Developing the habit of creating is all I’m looking to do.
To help me get started writing, I’ve been coming up with short little poems that get my mind in a creative mode. The poems are bad, like really bad, but putting what’s in my brain on the page is the hurdle I’m practicing getting over. Quality can be improved with time and editing.
When making any art, I like to start with a base idea of what I want. For example, what I created this past week was basically a Bruce Wayne rip off, so I pulled images from Batman the Animated series to get started. Now that the base is there, I can start tweaking the character to be my own.
Another strategy I’m going to try is to start with editing, a tip I found from this extremely relevant video.
Start Early
One bad habit I’ve picked up is putting creating off until just before bed. I get started and next thing I know it, I’m up past my intended bed time. Then, trying to lay down, ideas keep hammering my mind, while I’m trying to find sleep.
Just last night, I started writing a couple jokes after a poem started to turn into a bit. I ended up writing a short set that I thought was pretty funny. Again, this is right before bed, and I’m just coming up with different things one after another. Trying to sleep I was thinking about how to re-word this piece or adding that element to this other joke.
My goal for this upcoming week is going to be to create at one of two times during the day, to avoid this problem. The first is before work, and the second is before dinner. Both are far from bed time, but have the downside of a clear stopping point.
Hopefully you’re out creating something too. If you are, share it in the comments below.
Some ideas I found scribbled down on old notebooks.
While my excitement to start the year off early got me started writing again, I didn’t really have a trial in mind when I stared. Drafting up my New Year’s post, I didn’t want to dwell on the decision too long, so I decided to pursue the first thing that came to mind. Standing while working is supposed to be good for you, so why not. I’ll tell you why not, it’s boring and there’s not much to say. So, I’m changing direction for the next few weeks.
Standing Summary
Before getting into my future plans, I want to offer a few final thoughts on using my standing desk a few hours each day. I think I have seen some great benefits from standing more during the day. I feel less lethargic around the midpoint in the afternoon, and the day even seems to go by faster.
If I wanted to squeeze out a few more posts on the benefits of a standing desk, I could probably look at some research done on the subject or take the trial to the extreme, like standing all day. While I’ll continue to take advantage of the standing setup I have, I don’t want to write on it anymore.
Carelessly Creating
Looking back on that New Year’s post, I made a comment about trying out hobbies for this blog, not just habits or routines. For a long time, I’ve wanted to create things. While I’ve been writing here for a couple years now, many other projects have been stuck in the black hole of rough drafts and notes.
Back in 2018, I started the year off recording a few episodes for a podcast. The editing was pretty boring to do, and I had a long way to go, but it was still a lot of fun to make. I hope to capture some of that enjoyment again.
My trial for the next four weeks will be to spend at least 30 minutes a day creating. What I actually make doesn’t matter much to me at this point. Spending the time to make something, anything, is what I want to build a habit doing. It could take the form of writing, programming, art, or anything else for that matter. Taking an idea and making even the slightest progress towards reality is my goal.
I find myself stuck in the idea phase far too often. I hope that by starting to create more regularly will help me to materialize those ideas.
For a few months now, since buying my new mattress actually, I’ve had somewhere to stand while I work. I’ve heard about the benefits of standing desks, or more accurately the negatives of sitting for eight hours a day. While I’ve spent some time working at my “desk,” I never made a dedicated effort to do so.
Stay Standing
My goal for the past week has been to work at my standing desk, which is a large box, for four hours each day.
The experience so far has been good. Most days I’ll start out sitting and get the day started. After a cup of coffee, I’m usually ready to start. My approach has been trying to hit two hours in the morning, then two in the afternoon.
I feel like it’s been helpful throughout the day. For one, switching between sitting and standing shakes things up enough to help the work day move along. While standing, I’ll also walk around the room if I’m stuck on something. It may not seem like much, but taking a step back, in this case literally, can help more than staring down a problem.
Of course, nothing is ever as easy as it sounds. There are times when standing is pretty rough. With regular runs and yoga classes, some days, my legs are a bit worn out. Until just this week, I’ve been running in some old shoes too. My feet and ankles have been getting beat up run after run. New shoes in hand, or more accurately on foot, I should be feeling better.
I wish I had more to say, but for now that’s really all the thoughts I have. Let me know in the comments below if you use or have used a standing desk.
Looking back on a year might be full of twists and turns, but we can gain a lot doing so.
With a new year upon us, I’ve been looking back on 2019. As well as, making some plans for what’s next.
The Big Picture
At the end of last year, I felt it was time to lock in and focus on finishing some projects I’ve started. Though I didn’t realize how much I still needed to just play around with whatever came to me. Thinking about this made me think about a lot of my path in life as a whole so far. Neither good nor bad, I feel that I’m still getting a grasp on the freedom I actually have.
There have been so many times in my life I’ve settled for what I saw as the default state. I went to the same high school as my brother, because that made sense. Ran cross country and track because he did too. I went to the one college I applied to, took the first job offer at the company I interned at, took a promotion at that company at the first chance.
Many of these decisions have brought me amazing friends, skills, and memories, but at the end of 2018, I finally took a step off that default path. Not happy in the promoted position, I decided to leave the company I was with for four years at that point and start over again. I’ve been happy with that decision so far.
The reason I started this blog was to try things I found interesting. It started with habits and routines, but I even tested with skills and hobbies. There have been a number of hobbies I’ve played around with that I haven’t fully shared here. Some have stuck, some turned out to be temporary interests, and others not as interesting as first thought.
Goals
This past year specifically, I made six goals across three categories: health, wealth, and wise.
Health
My goals in this category were to attain a new personal best in the marathon and go on two outdoor trips in the year. My old time was back from 2016 around 3:35, to be honest I don’t even really remember it. As training started, I was lucky to have a great group to train with in the harsh winter.
For my outdoor trips, I went on two short camping trips with friends. The first was over Memorial Day and was a chill camping experience. The other was a backpacking overnight. It was still within a campground but was fun carrying around everything until we found a site we were happy with. It had rained recently so we couldn’t start a fire, so we just talked in the dark.
Both trips involved going to breweries while in the areas we were, a coincidence? I think not.
Wealth
The name suggests financial concerns, but I used it for experiences and relationships. My goals here were to take an international trip and to have a weekly social event. The latter I wasn’t thrilled about as the year went on, but I still participated in a weekly event with friends or family, primarily facilitated by weekly trivia at a local bar.
The international trip was definitely one of the best experiences of the year. I went to London with a couple friends. The time we were there felt three times as long. Each day was full of differing activities from museums to a musical to a castle tour, there was certainly variety.
Wise
In this final category, I actually changed both goals mid-year. My goals at first were to read 26 books and to pass a Japanese proficiency test. At the end of 2018, I started learning Japanese through apps and online resources. Around the midpoint of the year, Japanese took a backseat to learning game development for a Game Jam I participated in during August.
With that, I made it a goal instead to participate in two different game jams. I took part in the one mentioned in August, the Game Maker’s Toolkit Game Jam, and the other was in December, the 2 Button Jam. You can check out the games I submitted in the links!
As for books, I became a better reader this year. I passed my original goal of 26 books by September, and in the end have finished 41. Some of these were comics, others were audiobooks, but the important part for me was starting and finishing books. I read some fiction, and plenty of non-fiction as well. I started putting a decent dent in my reading backlog, while finding new and interesting reads along the way. Following my brother on Good Reads was certainly helpful.
Next Year
With the year ahead, you can check out my new goals here. Trials start again tomorrow, in which I’ll start with using my standing “desk” during the work day. I’ll be kicking off the year a week earlier than I originally planned, but I’m just too excited to wait.
At last, another trial comes to an end. Though, this wasn’t so much of a trial or even a challenge. It was really an exercise in recognizing my own thoughts. First, some final thoughts on complaining in general.
A Good Vent
Throughout this trial I’ve been pondering the nature of complaints and their impact. Why do we complain? Does a complaint always have to be a bad thing? Can there be good complaining?
I’ve come to this general conclusion. Complaining can be a problem if it’s used to avoid the underlying problem.
I believe talking about an issue with someone can be good and healthy. Sometimes the problem is a thought itself, and talking about it with someone can allow it to fade. Maybe something crappy happened and it’s been stuck on your mind all day. Talking about may help to let it free. That is good.
Simply talking about a persisting problem without action isn’t helpful at all.
Letting Snap Judgements Pass
One of the biggest things I’ve accepted in the last year or two, is that I often have some strange or negative snap judgements and thoughts. My approach to dealing with them has been to acknowledge, dismiss them, and focus on a stronger judgement.
I try to apply this mindset in even the most frustrating situations. For example, if I’m driving and the car in front of me is going ten under the speed limit, I might be bothered at first. Taking a second and appreciating that they are just trying to drive safely takes me out of a bad mood and I tend to stop caring. Applying this the other way, if some maniac cuts me off, my instinct might be to curse him out. I take a moment and think, “well that guy must be in a rush huh? I’m glad I can take my time getting to where I am now.”
Having this mindset in my life certainly makes it easier. It’s something I’m far from perfect on, but things like this trial have really helped to reinforce it.
Time for Some Time Off
For the next few weeks, I’ll be taking a break from writing the blog, making this the last trial of 2019! It was a good year, and I am really happy with what I’ve accomplished so far. I feel that I need to recharge myself after another year of posting. Though, I am not completely unplugging creatively. I’ll be participating in a Game Jam all next week and will likely be streaming it a few days on Twitch.
I also plan to work on redesigning the blog, something I’ve been meaning to do for a long time. I’ll enjoy the time off, but am looking forward to coming back on January 8th, 2020 recharged and ready to write. If you want to keep up with me further, sign up for my newsletter. I recently changed to a monthly email sharing highlights, milestones, and plans for the month ahead.
Thank you for reading and have a great rest of your year!
Trying Out Before Buying In 