The last few weeks have shown me another fun hobby isn’t really for me to take seriously. Streaming, while it has its moments, never really got the momentum that I was hoping for. The Game Jam over the weekend was the culmination of the issues I’ve been having lately, spreading myself too thin.
Thoughts On Stream
The experience of going live and playing a game for an audience can be a great time but can be difficult when the need to perform is draining. There were a lot of days that the upcoming stream was a highlight but on others it felt like an oncoming burden. The latter days certainly outweighed the former.
This week, I decided I was going to put a pause on streams. I’ve been feeling pretty wiped out and have come to the conclusions of the trial already. Rather than continuing to commit to a schedule I knew I didn’t enjoy, I figured I would allow myself to recover.
For a long time, I was under the impression that I would have no interest in streaming regularly. The whole idea of consistently being online seemed far more demanding than I would ever like. After watching a few streamers recently, I thought it would be worth some honest effort.
There were certainly days that I had a lot of fun. Chatting with friends, family, and even strangers while playing interesting games had its moments. Then, there were the times that I would be less focused on the game and more concerned with if the stream was running right, my sound was fine, and other insignificant issues that took my attention.
Later, spending time playing games alone again was far more relaxing. I just allowed myself to enjoy the game and not worry about anything else. After that, it was hard to motivate myself to go through with streaming again.
Any scheduled stream night, I knew I wasn’t going to have a great time if by 7:30 I wasn’t looking forward to going online. This was most evident in the GMTK Game Jam.
Jammed Up
The GMTK Game Jam is an event I look forward to every year. With two prior submissions under my belt, I was looking forward to working with a bigger team this year. Little did I realize that what I was really excited for was time to spend with a few friends.
My brother had actually come over in person, and being able to spend time with him was great. With just moving, I got to show him around the house and the neighborhood. I feel like I spent more time sitting around talking than on any actual work for the game.
We ended up having other friends over, and my roommate and I even spent a couple hours at a bar nearby talking about all sorts of things. Sitting alone at my computer hacking away at technical problems was the last thing I wanted to do last weekend.
I did end up pushing myself to do a short stream Saturday night at which point I was already tired and struggling to move forward with the project. Having to entertain on top of that was even more exhausting. After a couple hours, I decided to end the stream to focus on getting the game finished. In the end, I was too tired to resolve the remaining issues and didn’t finish it.
I was a bit disappointed that the pretty simple hurdle of submitting something wasn’t met, but at the same time, I found it to be a great weekend.
Dealing with Failures
This being my first year participating in the jam without submitting a game was definitely disappointing. The feeling I have towards streaming also has the last few weeks feeling like a waste of time.
On the bright side, having gone through and tried to put even the minimal effort into streaming that I did, I can pretty confidently say it isn’t for me. Performance and play are something I need to be excited to enjoy at all. Forcing it just makes things worse.
Regarding the performance in the Game Jam, I don’t think it is all bad. Throughout the time I procrastinated, I imagined myself figuring it out and putting something together. It’s been somewhat of a trend of the past years. There were certainly bugs and issues, but the games were finished and submitted. I now need to accept that I need to manage my time and efforts better for any project that I’m committing myself to, especially those with a hard deadline. Something I should start applying to my growing backlog of pet projects.
Lately, I’ve been overwhelmed by taking on more and more seemingly pointless projects. Streaming, game development, and a number of writing projects all barely started. What I need to do is step back and prioritize. Setting deadlines and scrapping missed work might be the only way to move past these projects or else they will likely be seen in a growing stack of to-do lists for the rest of my life.
I don’t think I’m done with streaming for good, but for the time being, it’s going to be a rare instance when I’m feeling it. Something for fun rather than something for necessity. If that means I stream once a week, a month, or even every few months, so be it.
While anticlimactic, this trial has come to a close. The last month or so, I’ve felt that I’ve been slipping up the basics of my habits and routines. I kept blaming it on the move, which has now had a few weeks to settle. With little change, I think I need a nudge in the right direction. While not inherently a trial, over the next few weeks I’ll be discussing my attempts to get back on track.
Trying Out Before Buying In 