Month: November 2020

I recently heard someone say, “college is more about figuring out what you don’t want to do.” That’s pretty true. There were a number of courses I was interested in but didn’t end up taking, and on the flipside there were other courses I knew I had zero interest in. I find I’ve been hovering in that space, figuring out what I don’t want to do.

Era of Opportunity

The opportunities in my life really have shown me that I have the possibility to attempt just about anything. Having that degree of freedom seems great, but I often feel it leads me down a path of uncertainty. I often explore ideas ankle deep until something new finds its way into my feed. 

I might catch a concept in a podcast, book, YouTube video, or talking with friends. New and interesting hobbies, habits, routines, and practices all seem interesting, quickly grabbing my attention. It’s extremely easy to get started in nearly anything. With a steady internet connection, you can receive top tier training in just about every field imaginable.

One of the goals of this blog is to help me explore these options and figure out what works and doesn’t work for me. For one, I found I really like game development. It’s a fun and challenging process that makes me appreciate a hobby I’ve held for most of my life. Understanding all the pieces that go into making a game work fascinates me. From something as simple as a character moving across the screen to complex concepts like online-play. Nevertheless those that do extraordinary things.

Not every new interest has such a payoff. Attempting to write the 50,000 word novel for NaNoWriMo, revealed to me how much I really don’t like long-form writing. I can’t put my finger on anything in particular, but the process just feels off to me. Though writing in itself isn’t something I dislike, these posts, for example, are often a great way for me to express what’s in my mind.

However, fiction writing isn’t something I’m entirely put off by. Early in the year, I wrote a number of short stories, probably 500 words or less, that I thought were fun. With the time dilation of this year, I even forgot a screenplay for a short film I started for an idea that came to me during a flight. I found it much easier to focus on the characters, which I find to be the more interesting part of writing. I think that’s why I’m also very drawn to role playing games like Dungeons and Dragons, another past time I do a lot of “writing” for.

A Double Edged Sword

While I’ve been able to try many different projects and hobbies, I find I have one remaining problem. I often fail to allow myself to truly immerse myself in a given task for more than a few weeks. The ability to shift gears in order to try out something else I’ve discovered, just in case I like it, has led to a significant number of half abandoned projects.

I fear my consistency in leaving behind so many projects has developed an inability to see things through. That’s what led me in my pursuit of a tool like BeeMinder to provide an incentive to challenge that habit.

At the same time, I find being willing to put down projects when I find little benefit to be very helpful. The relief of stepping away from the NaNoWriMo 50,000 word commitment felt like I took off a weighted vest. I’ve been in a considerably better mood now that I’m not stressing about trying to force myself to do something I wasn’t enjoying.

A question I’ve learned to ask myself throughout my many projects is this: Do I enjoy the process of this or just the idea of having done it? With the novel for example, I learned in trying to write that I like the idea of saying “I’ve written a novel.” The actual writing of a novel doesn’t really interest me in the slightest, though I’ve had actual visions of myself alone in a hotel room or cabin writing away my magnum opus.

Through this process, I think I have figured out what I do like about writing fiction. I like coming up with interesting scenarios that characters are in and how they react, not necessarily a complex plot that moves through different acts. The screenplay, for example, was me thinking about the feeling of being confined on an airplane which led to the idea of strangers being stuck in an elevator. I created the characters and had them interact. I don’t really know what the “plot” is, but the story simply becomes the actions of the characters.

I think that’s why I like roleplaying and video games, because the player is the primary plot device; it’s their actions that create the plot. Sometimes, it’s one that the player simply passes through without much control, but other times, the player has the freedom to create a story unique to themselves. This is especially true in completely open table top games like D&D, where there’s no programming limitations to keep track of what a player can do.

This blog on the other hand is something I enjoy doing, even in some sense on the weeks I dread writing.

Stopping the Start

Throughout this blog, I’ve tried a number of new things, some of which have stuck, and others not so much. I plan to continue experimenting with a few things, but I want to move away from the “projects” that I’ve been pursuing. For example, podcasting, YouTube videos, and so forth.

While experimenting with my daily life, I want to start building on the hobbies and projects I’ve found interest in. Game development is a big one that I have really enjoyed, but am intimidated to try and take seriously. It’s an industry I’ve been interested in for nearly my entire life, and it’s allowed me to find a lot of great stories and experiences. I have a number of ideas I want to expand on, but all of them have at least a small link to games. Perhaps, I’ll be able to leverage what I’ve found to enjoy through the past few years of experimentation and focus on those parts of the process.

I see the future of this blog to be focused on habits, and perhaps just some general posts on life, personal philosophies, and things I’ve learned. With that in mind, I plan on taking December off to wind down for the holidays, and begin planning that future. I hope you are able to enjoy the upcoming holidays safely, and I’ll see you in the new year.

As I’ve been working through the story I’m writing, I’ve been thinking a lot about the media I consume -how it influences my thoughts and actions.

Shaping Interest

I’ve watched the YouTube channel of Ryan Hollinger for a couple years now. He creates video essays exploring the horror genre and what the themes reveal about humanity. I see this as the primary influence on the story I’ve been writing this month. Combining horror themes with concepts from different story ideas I’ve had in the past has been interesting. It feels kind of like putting together a puzzle.

Throughout my life, a number of shows, movies, games, and books have led me to different interests. An anime called Dr. Stone made me want to learn more about engineering and primitive science. The story follows a modern scientist who ends up in a sort of post-apocalyptic world after all of humanity is turned to stone by a strange green light. I bought a reference book on engineering, andI even managed to find a manual from 1903 for people in a variety of careers at the local library given away for free. Looking back on old remedies and processes was informative, since so much of what we see and use today is beyond common practice.

Shaping Action

Media has not only shaped my interests but has often inspired me to actually go out and pursue those interests. It might be as simple as wanting to workout after a shonen action series has a training arc.

Reading a manga about wine professionals got me interested in trying more varieties. It’s been fun to try different styles, pair them with different foods, and prepare them differently. There’s still an incredible amount to learn if I really want to understand wine, but just knowing I decided to explore the subject was because a writer somewhere was passionate enough to tell a story about wine makes me happy.

This has, so far, been primarily focused on fictional media. The effect nonfiction has on my decisions and interests is even greater. There are so many trials I’ve explored simply from watching a documentary or YouTube video, or reading a blog post or book. For example, reading a post about personal finance inspires me to make better decisions with my money.

The last few months I’ve felt in a rut. Each trial has been an attempt to shift myself out of that feeling. I keep thinking, “if I could just focus on one obstacle and overcome it, things would get back in the groove.” Time and time again, I start to quickly lose interest and try to find a new target. Rather than a large goal being my focus, I’m shifting my attention to the smaller things, my daily routines and habits.

My Five Daily Habits

My daily habits are the following five activities: a morning stretch, reading a page from The Daily Stoic, creating something, reading part of a book, and meditation. Near the end of September, I started letting days go by where I’d complete just one or two of those activities.

Weeks passed and I was still putting off these simple things I set for myself to do. Instead, I thought that if I just focused on one big project, somehow that would help everything fall in place. The reality is that I became overwhelmed  keeping up with everything I was trying to juggle at once. As always, hindsight is clear, and I don’t really know what I was thinking.

The stretch and Daily Stoic goal have been an easy thing to mix into a routine. I typically read the page first before going downstairs to make a cup of coffee. Then, I go through the stretch routine while the coffee brews. The other three I once made time for in the day but recently became incidental to decompressing from the workday. Some time after work to let my mind rest has been nice, but it’s often become a slippery slope, as I faced in an earlier trial.

Throughout this year, I’ve frequently questioned the merit and purpose of many of my trials and goals. A question I keep coming back to is do these things line up with even larger goals I have in my life?’ The challenge I’ve faced the past few years is the instability of those long-term goals. 

Since thinking on a large scale has led to a failure to complete a number of goals I set out for the short term, my attention, instead, for the next few weeks is going to be on habits. I hope in rebuilding those, I can remake a foundation on which I can start looking further into the future with more clarity and confidence.

Writing

With this in mind, I’ve been torn the past few days whether to continue the challenge I set out for the National Novel Writing Month. Trying to hit 50,000 words isn’t impossible, but I’ve set myself up with a considerable climb to get to that goal. As of this writing, I have a little less than 400 words written.

As mentioned last week, my goal was to use a combination of a word goal each week and a time goal each day. The use of both an input goal (time) and an output goal (words) was intended to help keep momentum while not causing stress each day.

Though my focus is going to be on the five daily goals, luckily one of those involves creating things. I don’t know that this shift is going to allow me to hit 50,000 words, but in the end, I still want to put forward an effort to complete something. The goal I set out for this year was to write a “story” not a novel.

For several years now, I’ve been familiar with the National Novel Writing Month challenge but never participated. After finding fun and success in game jams, I wanted to join this year. Writing fiction is a new endeavor for me, but one of my goals this year.

What is NaNoWriMo

The National Novel Writing Month is a challenge to write a 50,000 word story in the month of November. The story can be on any subject or of any genre. The goal is to finish a story.

I’ve been familiar with the challenge since the end of my college career, and have been interested in participating for a couple years now. After participating in a few game jams, the concept seemed more and more appealing.

Game jams have helped provide me with short periods to focus and complete given projects. The limitations of the short timeframe and specific goal have been a good way to learn a lot and complete projects.

Goals and Focus

My big push for the last stretch of the year is to complete as much of my annual goals as I can. One of those goals is to write a story, something I’ve wanted to do since starting this blog. While I’ve mostly written from first hand experience and non-fiction, writing a fully fictional story sounds like a fun challenge to try.

Admittedly, it will be a tough challenge to try and overcome, but I think I have some minor goals in place to help. On a daily front, I’m looking at a time worked goal of 90 minutes of writing. Weekly is where I’m looking at a word count to hit. Using both an input and output goal I’m hoping will help to keep me on track.

With that said, my posts the next few weeks will likely be on the short side, but I hope they still have enough solid information on progress and takeaways. As of the first half of this week, I’ve been distracted with the stream of news regarding the US election. With the excitement winding down, I’m hoping to get back to the habit I want to set.