If I told you I’m doing well in the past few weeks there’s a good chance I was lying to you. Perhaps it’s being able to hide behind a keyboard that makes honesty easier, or that it’s just a hassle to tell people things aren’t going well. “Good” feels like a programmed response to “How’s it going?” Or. “How are you?” No one wants to hear anything outside that standard response, but sometimes that’s just how it goes.
The past month or so has left me both physically and mentally drained. I don’t know what it is. Stuck in a rut? Poor sleep? Diet? Depression? I really don’t know, but I just feel that being honest about how things are going might set better expectations for this trial, which I think I am going to put on hold for now. Stopping this trial early is not something that I want to do, but I don’t believe I will be putting in enough effort to share an experience about freelancing. Lately, I’ve been getting home from work with barely enough energy to take care of myself.
Last week, I thought my issue was from trying to handle too many things at once. Establishing a priority of what to focus on was supposed to help, but even still I just feel heavy. I wake up unmotivated and go to bed the same. When I do feel things are starting to go well, I often feel great, but shortly after, feel like I come down from a high. And the comedown is hard. This rollercoaster of emotions hit a new climax today as I drove home for an event tomorrow. Emotionally I wanted to drive into head-on traffic, not even exaggerating here. Luckily, the logical part of my brain won that argument. I mean there was no need to drag someone else into my shitty day.
In the end, I don’t want this to come off as me making excuses for this trial, complaining about life being hard, or whining. At the end of the day, I just don’t have it in me to keep this up as of late. If you read this far thank you for the support on the blog. I’m not sure if I will write anything or not next week, but will post around as usual. Perhaps this depressed feeling will pass by then, or it will just inspire another rant about the current status of my mental state. All in all, I think writing this has already helped a bit, whether I actually click publish or not…
Trying Out Before Buying In 